Nate Alfinger- Writer, Researcher, Poet and Philosopher

Romanticism Versus Authenticity

He watched her from the shadows.  She was everything; he nothing.  Could he, would he garner enough courage to speak to her… or perhaps make eye contact? Would she smile or once again look through him?

She pretended not to notice… her pale green eyes sparkled in the starlight… she hated it when her eyes did that… she wanted to appear disinterested… hoping by seeming aloof, his desires would in someway be piqued.

Wait!  This is nonsense… just grow up you two… either one of you just get and walk over and introduce yourself… who cares what you say or don’t say or if the words are all wrong.  Just be honest and see what happens.   If you can’t connect by being honest with each other… why bother connecting at all?

How did we get these romantic visions etched indelibly into our psyche?  Who put them there… was it subliminally programmed into our subconscious via the arts?  Our parents? Our siblings?  Actually does it matter.?

Be authentic first!

Resounding Rebounding

OK, so you have just been dumped!  Perhaps you were the dumper.  It doesn’t matter, you feel like a loser anyway.  So, you have heard all of the cautions and precautions regarding the rebound.  I call this the band aid effect.  You are hurting, perhaps oblivious to what went wrong… you find someone, and they become a band aid for your broken heart.  You might even be someone else’s  band aid. 

Sadly, when a band aid has outlasted its utility—where does it go?  Of course.

So how do you gracefully rebound?  Grant yourself permission to use common sense.   Here are 5 steps to help you with a resounding rebound!

STEP 1: If you’re single—mingle.  Sounds trite, but so often are brains have been programmed to be monogamous.  Get out there, meet new people, get your brain switched over to search mode.

STEP 2: It’s OK to let close friends help.  Your friends know you, and typically don’t have any hidden agendas.  Listen to their insights… let them introduce you to interesting people.

STEP 3: It’s OK NOT to be a plus one.   Why is everyone so obsessive about having a date at a wedding or some other social gathering.  You don’t have to have arm candy to be accepted and acceptable.  Be a plus “none” proudly!

STEP 4: Find someone who is easy to talk to.  When you find that person, that just seems so natural to be around.  You may have a lot in common and everything just clicks.  This may be telling you something.

STEP 5: Don’t be afraid to kiss.   Yes, kissing changes a relationship forever, but not very much.  This is really a follow-on to Step 1.  It’s all about connection…but isn’t everything?

The Law of the Chase

You have heard of the thrill of the chase, but I think it goes well beyond thrill.  Although the chase can be exhilarating.  Sooner or later, in the science world when something has been tried, tested and examined over a period of time... it is often considered a law.

So what is the Law of the Chase?

When things are moving along~ it's time to be moving along.

What does that mean?

When you start phase one of the courting stage of a relationship (more on this in a future blog)~ you need to pay attention to the intitial fundamental dynamics. During phase one, you are making dozens of tiny decisions about whether you like this person, do you want to spend more time with them; do you want more?

The wanting more part is key!  We need time to digest the interaction.  The rush of adrenaline from the thrill part clouds and alters our perception and perhaps our judgement. So, keep them wanting more.

So at this stage of courting how many times should you cut the interaction short?  No more than twice. If after two connections, you still want more-- then you experience the slow build and are off to firm foundation with your relationship.  In application when things are moving along well, take the interaction to the point where both of you seem hungry for more.  Then plan a diversion so that you can elegantly and gracefully excuse yourself.

Oh I really need to take this call... until next time!

~Nate

[A reader sent this to me, and I thought I would share...]

GUY STUFF

by Molly M.

IT COULD JUST BE THE NORMAL THINGS GUYS DO

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF THINGS GUYS DO EVERYDAY.

HE MIGHT FORGET YOUR NAME, BUT NOT WHO’S IN THE BIG GAME,

I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ‘VE HAD ENOUGH

HE MIGHT BE OUT GOLFING WITH HIS BUDDIES

OR AT THE BAR PUSHING DOWN SOME BEERS

HE MAY NOT WATCH THE TIME, REMEMBER IT’S NO CRIME

HE’S SIMPLY DOING WHAT WE CALL GUY STUFF

NO LINES IN THE RESTROOM

NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU WEAR

A SHOWER’S SIXTY SECONDS

10 MORE SECS TO DO YOUR HAIR

BELCHING ON THE SOFA

ESPN IS YOUR SHOW

YOU HAVE THE GIFT TO FART AT WILL

LET THAT BABY GO…

LET IT GO, LET IT GO….

I WISH I COULD SIMPLIFY MY WARDROBE

OR JUST FORGET ABOUT ACCESSORIES

THERE MAY BE NO EXCUSE FOR ONLY THREE PAIRS OF SHOES

BUT WITH A GUY, THREE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH

OH HOW I’D LOVE TO LIVE THE SIMPLE LIFE

AND NEVER HAVE TO HOT WAX AGAIN

AND IT SURE WOULD GREAT, IF IT WAS HARD TO GAIN WEIGHT

THAT’S ALL PART OF WHAT WE CALL GUY STUFF

BUT WHEN I GO ON A DATE

THE DINNER’S ALWAYS FREE

IF WE GO TO A MOVIE

I DECIDE WHAT WE SEE

I AM SO GLAD THAT I DON’T

HAVE TO PROVE THAT I’M TOUGH

IT’S SO GREAT TO BE A GRIL

AND LET THE GUYS DEAL WITH GUY STUFF!

I SURE IT’S JUST THE NORMAL THINGS WE GUYS DO

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF THINGS WE DO EVERYDAY.

I MIGHT FORGET YOUR NAME, BUT DON’T LEAVE ME THE BLAME,

SOMETIMES WE’VE JUST HAD ENOUGH

WE’RE OUT THERE DOING GUY STUFF

OUT THERE SIMPLY DOING GUY STUFF!

HOO-YAH!

--

Your Most Important Part

Long before most of our times, there was an amazing Brazilian woman and performer known as Carmen Miranda.   She was often called the Samba Queen, as many of her songs were in Samba rhythms.  She was not only beautiful, but a powerhouse of energy.  What made her so special?  Well, there were a lot of things!  However, one of her messages, a personal message was basically saying, “Hey, I’m intelligent, look at my head!” 

How did she do that?  Well, prior to making it big in Brazil and long before she made her way to the U.S.A. she was a milliner, or hat maker.  She made some of the most amazing hats.  As you can see from this picture… and this was just one of many hats—she definitely draws your attention to what she felt was the most important part of a woman—her head or brain.

Is it reasonable to think that women do just the opposite are purposefully drawing your attention to their best attribute?   Beautiful women out there… what is your most beautiful part?

I’d recommend you Google Carmen Miranda and get acquainted with this beautiful woman… Watch her movies or listen to her songs.